


Awkward Sextalk Fun Times For The Whole Family

by Hollow_Whisperings



Series: The fem!Bruce Verse [5]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Birds of Prey (Comic)
Genre: Birthday Sex, Epic Fail, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Implied Relationships, Implied kinky sex, Multi, Pegging, babs has torso muscles like woah, bad sex puns, cass is curious, do not use coconut oil as lube, embarrassment for the whole family, sex puns, sex talks of horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollow_Whisperings/pseuds/Hollow_Whisperings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a mistake is made with coconut oil, Dick regrets everything, Babs has the worst birthday sex ever, Selina Kyle is a troll and no-one will ever be able to look Alfred in the eyes again.</p><p>Or, Don't Use Coconut Oil As Lube. Just Don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awkward Sextalk Fun Times For The Whole Family

**Author's Note:**

> As a proud asexual much of this fic was written with zero practical experience in this arena. Big thanks to my beloved friend (who inspired the fic with a hilarious anecdote) for sex-checking this for me! Their help has made this fic at least 20% gayer, for which I am thankful. Corrections welcome!

Dick supposed, in hind-sight, post-patrol birthday sexytimes with Babs had been a horrible, horrible idea. Not only was the Clock Tower filled to the brim with very expensive, very fragile computing equipment dealing with very sensitive, very important information that the entire Justice League relied on, but Babs had never actually seen the need to stock her superhero cave with sex supplies, reasonably believing that she would be able to restrain any sexual urges when there was always at least _one_ mic that she would forget to turn off.

In _Babs'_ defense, she had been lamenting turning twenty-five for weeks to anyone who would listen ("Oh, god I'll be a cougar - I'M ALREADY TOO OLD FOR MY CHILD BOYFRIEND!" "Babs, I'm only two years younger than you and twenty-five really isn't that old-" "You still eat _fruit loops_ for breakfast, Dick!" "Excuse you! Froot Loops™ are a _perfectly respectable_ meal to start the day with!") and Dick had been in a _very_ tight Nightwing suit. Plus he'd brought _goodies_. Dick's ass was amazing and Babs had been weak.

It hadn't taken too long for things to start going horribly, horribly wrong: supersuits were designed to be protective and hard for foes to penetrate. Unfortunately for Barbara's "sexy-time birthday surprise", as Dick insisted on calling it, what was difficult for the criminal elements of Bludhaven was _also_ difficult for Nightwing's very keen girlfriend.

"Wait, there's a-"

"...a smoke bomb? _Really_ , Dick? Did you really need to put one _there_?"

"Hey! Some of those supervillains are really touchy-feely!"

"You can't see me right now because of your stupid booby-trapped costume but I am glaring at you so hard right now. And I swear if you start giggling because I said booby-"

"...your glare isn't the only thing that's hard right now?"

"You are a _child_ , Dick Grayson."

Somehow, despite Dick's tendency to snigger and burst into giggles whenever he thought of a sex-related pun which, given that this was the boy who had pranced around in booty shorts wise-cracking Gotham's darkest into begging Batman to just _knock them out_ already so that Robin would _stop with the puns_ , was just about every ten minutes (even with Babs' glorious form to distract him), Barbara finally managed to strip her ridiculous boyfriend. ("Happy Birthday, Babs." "If you make a pun about birthday suits I swear I will ram my chair into that wall.").

Dick was comfortably straddling Babs - after remembering to set the brakes on her chair (for once) - playing with her hair ("Have I told you how much I love it when you grow out your hair lately?" "Yes, that's why I've scheduled a haircut for next Wednesday." "Spoilsport.") and lazily kissing up her neck when it occurred to him.

"Babs?"

"Mhm?"

"I don't suppose you've got any... uh."

"Shit."

"No! Not those! I have those! I picked them up on the way over - and man was that cashier in the sex store surprised to see Nightwing buying toys and condoms..."

"Oh god, you know that Lois will find out about that right? _And then she'll tell everyone._ The entire Justice League will know we were having kinky sex tonight! _Including your mom._

"Okay, first of all, _ew_? I thought we agreed to _never_ bring up our parents during sexy-time?"

"Ugh. Why do you have to call it that? S-E-X, Dick. It's not that hard."

"That's wha-"

"I will bite you."

That lead to another interlude where the two were too busy stripping Babs of _her_ clothes for much more conversation. This was mostly uneventful except for Dick accidentally kicking Babs' chair's brakes out of lock while helping her adjust the shiny new piece he'd bought her ("...what the hell is that, Dick." "You liiiike?" "How the fuck do I put it on??" "Well, you're supposed to sort of clench with your..." "Ohhhhhhh.") which sent the two terrifyingly close to accidentally pushing a certain red button that neither of them ever wanted to push while mostly naked ("...did you just _almost_ set up a video call with Batman?" "Uhh..." "Because if it wasn't for that _almost_ you would be very dead right now." "Love you too, Babs."). Once both parties were suitably nude and geared up to go (except for Babs' bright yellow glow-in-the-dark Batgirl socks which Dick refused to be parted with - they had been Babs' decoy present from him after all), the Conundrum occurred to them again.

"Dick? I don't suppose that you remembered to get any lube? So we can _actually use this thing?_ "

"...sorry?"

"DICK!"

Babs smacked her head against Dick's chest, feeling very, _very_ frustrated. 

And then Dick had a Great Idea.

"Hey, don't you keep coconut oil here?"

It did not take long for the both of them to realise that Dick's Great Idea had been The Worst Idea Ever.

If the oil wasn't everywhere, the scent of coconuts _was_ : all over Babs' Oracle equipment, all over Babs' new _"equipment"_ , all over Dick's Nightwing get-up, all over Babs' chair and also in an incredibly awkward number of awkward places that No One was ever allowed to find out about.

It took about a day for Alfred to put together a theory as to why Richard's laundry and Barbara's wheelchair smelled so suspiciously of coconuts. It took about another week before Alfred had accumulated enough data with which to deliver his Highly Informational presentation (complete with props, a slideshow... and _anecdotes_ ).

And that was how Dick, Jason and Cass had found themselves in the terrifying position of getting an intermediate-level sex talk from Alfred - for all thoughts and purposes their _grandfather_ \- and Selina Kyle - their mom's on-again-off-again girlfriend ("Oh god do you think that Alfred knew all that because Selina and Mom..?" "JASON, NO!"). Bruce, great detective that she was, noticed Selina laughing more maniacally as of late and had absconded under the pretense of taking Damian fishing (Bruce hated fishing) while Tim, greater detective that _he_ was, had simply asked Alfred why the man had so many sex toys set up in the living room, informed Alfred that he was very, very asexual and had left to take Titus for a walk (but not without first bugging the living room to blackmail his siblings with - Babs had already placed a bid for the rights to the video footage). 

(Dick, ever the doting older brother, made sure to later inform Alfred that, yes, _Tim_ was asexual but _Tim's beloved boyfriend_ wasn't.)

Of the three victims, Cass was the least embarrassed by it all. Not because of any language difficulties (Selina was _very_ helpful in that department, graciously providing highly detailed gestures, drawings and pantomimes and all with the severity of a cat who had just run off with someone's steak dinner) but because she seemed to actually find the whole experience highly educational and Cassandra was a very practically minded woman anyway.

"Do you need to practice to be able to keep it on?"

"BABY SISTER, NO!"

"But Bruce is always saying to be prepared for anything..."

"I- I can't- JASON, CONTROL YOUR SISTER!" 

"DICK! Uh. Cass? I DON'T THINK THAT KINKY SEX IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS OUT OF NOWHERE?!"

"Oh. But Steph said-"

"OH GOD WHY ARE ALL THE WOMEN IN THIS FAMILY LESBIANS??"

"Jason, sweetie, I think I can testify that your mother isn't _only_ a-"

"I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL START SCREAMING IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE, SELINA."

Jason and Dick fought frantically to keep their pained laughter and humiliated groans to a minimum (to a correspondingly minimal success rate) and occasionally Alfred managed to break their brains enough for one to brave a question and, upon receiving the answer, begin screaming incoherently (because "HOW DOES ALFRED KNOW THAT?" "What was he doing before he was Mom's butler??").

By the end of things, Jason and Dick had been scarred for life; Tim was temporarily smug (until he found out that not only had Selina _stolen his recording equipment_ but Alfred had scheduled a one-one-one talk with him for the following evening); Cassandra was thoughtful; Babs was embarrassed but less so than her boyfriend and Alfred had once again established why exactly he was top of the Wayne Family Food Chain.


End file.
